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Deshan’s attendant, Shoukuo, asked, “All the sages from the beginning of time—where have they gone?
Deshan replied, “What? What?”
Shoukuo said, “I gave an order for a racehorse, but a lame tortoise stuck its head out.”
Deshan let it rest.
The next day, when Deshan came out of his bath, Huo brought him tea.
Deshan patted him once on the back.
Shoukuo said, “This old guy has begun to get a glimpse of the territory.”
Again Deshan was silent.

—Book of Serenity Case 14

This is the last story in a collection of koans about Deshan, and we are told that he is old and near death. This time he is in a very different place than when we first met him as a scholar of the Diamond Sutra, pulling a cart filled with his commentaries behind him.

Full of pride about his knowledge, he heads south to straighten out the Chan practitioners who don’t seem to appreciate the sutras the way he does. In the first of these koans, he is put in his place by the woman who sells him tea and cakes, which knocks some of the wind out of his sails. Then he is plunged into darkness by the Zen teacher to whom this “tea lady” has referred him. He appreciates the error of his ways, burns all of his commentaries, and sets out to meet other Chan teachers. Though, having had an awakening experience, he is still filled with pride and hubris.

In one of his next encounters, Deshan enters a meditation hall carrying his pilgrim’s bundle, an improvement over pulling a cart full of his commentaries. But he is still carrying something that needs to be put down. He ignores the teacher sitting in the hall and walks from one side to the other saying, “There is nothing, no one,” and then walks out. Upon reaching the temple gate, he reconsiders his actions and goes back into the hall, bows to the teacher, then yells and walks out again.

You might wonder how he could behave that way after having an awakening experience. There is a story about Sigmund Freud that comes to mind where he was asked how someone who had completed analysis could still be a jerk. Freud’s response was “They are a well-analyzed jerk.” In the case of Deshan I suppose we could say he was an enlightened jerk. In that way, his is a cautionary tale about getting stuck in the emptiness of an awakening experience.

In another story about Deshan, which happens later in his life, he is again carrying something: this time, his bowls. He arrives too early for the temple meal and is chided by the cook. Saying nothing, he turns around and returns to his room. In that story, as in the current story, he is older and has integrated his awakening more, and in both stories he responds by saying nothing.

In that story we are told that he did not know “the last word of Zen,” but at the end of the story we learn that his talk had been different than any talk he had ever given.

In this way the stories of Deshan show us how an awakening experience matures, how a teacher matures, and continues to mature, throughout the course of their life of having a meditation practice. It is not a one-and-done process, but rather a lifetime practice that never stops deepening.

As is said about Oakland, it can be said about awakening: there is no there, there. It is always here, here.

—David Weinstein

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David Weinstein Roshi, Director of Rockridge Meditation Community