There is another world and it is inside this one.

—A modern koan attributed to French surrealist poet Paul Eluard

In my last newsletter before going to the hospital with an exceedingly slow heartbeat, my piece on koans was entitled, Where Beauty Blooms and Demons Dwell: Uncovering the Garden of the Heart.

Little did I know that that was exactly where I was heading. To be clear: the garden of the heart in not other than my life, this life, here and now. There are angels and demons, beauty and that which I might not consider so beautiful. It is all here, wherever we are in life. As we let down our armor and become vulnerable, the encounter is whole: the vitality of life and transformation in all its forms.

On Thursday, I’ll share with you what I discovered on this journey which includes a heartbeat below twenty-five beats per minute, demons and angels encountered along the way, culminating with the insertion of my small robot friend (pacemaker) last week. I think that makes me a cyborg, just to say. I hope to tell you all about the change of heart, physical and metaphorical, that I observed in this one world of beauty blooming amongst demon dwellings.

By the second day in the hospital, I began to see it as its own world and the world outside my window as a bit of a rumor. I was on the third floor and the portal into this rumored world was downstairs in the space marked “LL” on the elevator button.

My life was here, now, in “hospital world.” I shared this world with angels (mostly nurses) and demons (excepting the kitchen demons who kept bringing me beef, pork and lamb, despite my allergy to red meat). The angels were named Nadine, Sean and Muwada; the demons, who seemed to be in charge of a few things, were Anxiety, Fear, and its near cousin, Grave Doubt. Also, Sadness appearing out of love of life, and finally Denial, whose message is, “This is not happening.”

The angels taught me how to deal with the demons—facing and accepting them rather than making them into enemies—including the kitchen demons: me laughing, as they served up a pile of pulled pork with a side of pork and beans, asking them to take it away. Behind it all are the endless changes.

I learned the portal swings both ways and there are not two worlds but one. I am still feeling vulnerable. Now with the surgery a week out, I am beginning to sit dokusan with some of you. Here I discover the empathy at the heart of our practice together. I notice that the Dao, you might call it Love, shows the way. Our’s is an open-hearted Way. Let’s meet there.

Love,

David

COME JOIN US on Thursdays for koan meditation, dharma talk and conversation. All are welcome. Register to participate.

David Parks Roshi, Director of Bluegrass Zen