If you turn things around, you are like the Buddha.

—PZI Miscellaneous Koans, #68

I’m driving down Nicholasville Road in afternoon traffic, on my way to pick up Arlo. A car runs a red light, pulls into the middle of the intersection and stops. I’m waving my hands and mouthing “What the hell are you doing?” They gesture back at me in turn. Incredulous, I say to myself, “I’m not the problem here!” A few more gesticulations back and forth, then behind them I see the flashing lights of an ambulance. They speed off behind it.

I’m mad. I’m embarrassed. I chase a thought of pulling up beside the car at the next intersection. “I’ll glare at them,” I tell myself, but traffic continues to stall and I see them disappear beyond Virginia Avenue. I think, “Why is traffic always so bad? Nobody knows how to drive anymore. I wish Sarah could have just gotten him today. I mean, I did take him this morning. My time is important too, right?”

My phone buzzes and I look down—an old friend who just moved back to town is calling. I pick it up. He’s been working on the genealogy of the founder of Liberty Hall in Frankfort. Turns out that this same family founded Liberty Academy—what later became Washington and Lee University and the place I’ll be working at next fall. The anger and embarrassment drift away as we get lost in a conversation about history, family, moving to new places, life …

I always find these moments comical—mind jumping from one thing to the next, attention shifting, thoughts and feelings appearing and disappearing. All the while being drawn into my life through anger, excitement, sadness, joy, boredom, apathy. Try as I might to identify with any one of these feelings when they suddenly slip through my hands. Poof! Gone. And it’s on to the next one.

I used to think “turning things around” was a product of my volition and will. Changing my life, my relationships, career path, attitude, feelings, etc. Those things are up to me, right? If I can just bootstrap my way through existence, maybe I’ll smooth out the rough edges of my life.

But what if it’s not up to us? What if things are always turning? And what if we are too?

—Ryan McCoy

COME JOIN US on Thursdays for koan meditation, dharma talk and conversation. All are welcome. Register to participate.

David Parks Roshi, Director of Bluegrass Zen